Oh my god I’m a wreck
Don’t be jealous. Don’t be jealous.
victims of abuse be like, this person has now made me cry myself to sleep about 30 times, i have flashbacks of things they’ve done and said to me, they know how to hit me right in my worst insecurity and guilt so i feel horrible for days and months, their comments make me feel worthless and like i shouldn’t even be alive, and being around them makes me feel small and meaningless and sometimes suicidal but maybe that’s just me, maybe they’re not abusive? i have to give them benefit of the doubt, what if i’m not justified to kick them out of my life?
seems like a good time to disappear
im so scared the rest of my life is gonna feel like this
what’s up with my mom hiding food from me so she and my brother can eat it??? what about me,?!
I have so much bottled up anger inside me
I realized people have flaws and do not act like the idolized version I made for them. I hate real life
shitty parents will literally fill your ears constantly about how all worst things in the world would happen to you “in real life” and then act surprised when you develop a fucking anxiety disorder
“in real life people will cut your hands and make you a beggar if you keep acting like that” - my father to me when I was 5 or 6
Today I had a very strange and disturbing dream, the house in my dream was the same that I live in right now with my parents. A little context to actual life - >>They have stopped behaving like literal monsters to me for a while now, 3-4 years ago, I was at a very delicate state because of my parents calling me horrible stuff, hitting me, making stuff up and filling my head with untrue things. I am not exaggerating when I tell you, that was my life EVERYDAY for years. Anyway, things are pretty good now compared to what I had before.
In this dream, I was crying while lying on the floor with both my parents surrounding me and yelling/taunting stuff - this made me remember how my life was before and I do not have control over when my life will turn into that again just because some people think its the right way of “parenting”.
In a couple of years, I will turn 20. Then I won’t be called a child, I would be an adult and I would be expected to live on my own or have a job. My mental state is so deteriorated after years and years of abuse, gaslighting, manipulation and what not, I don’t know how to function anymore, let alone function on my own. I am dependent on my parents and absolutely hate it. I get called names every now and then, I am trying to deal with it - which, although to be honest, I just come here and vent to feel light.
I don’t know how to improve myself or heal myself. The people who were supposed to take care of me, protect me became the people that permanently damaged me, made me hate myself, undermine myself and traumatized me to the point where I couldn’t function. And that’s just how they failed to be parents and human beings. Don’t expect me to have respect, sympathy for those monsters. I resent them.
the feminine urge to beat the shit out of my abusive parents