“I cannot help but isolate myself, and so I am aware that I will be apologizing constantly for the rest of my life; it is a horrible feeling.”

— Emilie Autumn, from The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls

I can’t have hope anymore. It just breaks me. So no, don’t ask me to have hope. Nothing breaks one like false hope

I wish I could be good enough for once in my life

I can't tolerate my own heart anymore.

sir these are my emotional support fictional scenarios that make living bearable

i miss 1990 when i didn’t exist

as an overthinker i really need things made clear to me

I hate it. It's like i need to be reassured of the same thing again and again and again and it just gets tiring and mentally exhausting. Sometimes it'll get better for like some time but then the next day it's back again and it's just such a huge burden. And it makes me feel like a burden. I hated it here. It makes the most beautiful things terrible for me and i wanna sock somebody in the throat.

Children growing up in abuse always keep asking themselves just why their parents hate them so much? What have they done to deserve it? What is so horrible about them that they would deserve this level of hatred? And abusive parents supply answers daily, you’re a financial burden, you need food and clothes and attention, you sometimes don’t do things exactly how they want, you don’t deliver parent’s expectations, and on top of that, they insist there’s something so unlovable, despicable and disgusting inside of you, that nobody could possibly love you.

This breaks children’s spirit. Because we as children, we all have no choice but to love our parents. We love them even as they hate us. And we do everything in our power to stop them from hating us so much. We lower our wants and needs, until we’re barely any burden at all. We don’t ask for new clothing or new stuff anymore, we make do, we try to work off whatever money parents spend on us, we don’t ask for attention anymore, even when we really need it. We try our hardest to meet parent’s expectations, we push ourselves in everything so hard we end up breaking our spirits. Every single mistake means we deserved more hatred. Every “less than perfect” result causes us to break down because again, it means we deserve the hatred and punishment, because once again we are worthless in our parents’ eyes.

And nothing works, even as our parents insist it’s because of our own faults and selfishness and demands that they hate us, even as we bring it to a minimum, even as we give up everything we’re entitled to have in a family, the hatred doesn’t go away. We come home and parets we worked so hard to please look us in contempt, lash out at us, act as if everything would be better if only we didn’t exist. How is a child supposed to go on? We know we can’t survive without our parents, we know we need to be accepted as a part of the family in order to have a place in our community, in order to be safe, to have a future. And our parents, people who are supposed to accept us, who are supposed to know us the best, because they’ve known us for our entire lives, they say no, you don’t belong anywhere, you’re not wanted anywhere, this world doesn’t need or want anyone like you.

It’s not a wonder we all end up growing up terrified we can’t be loved, that we’ll never be a part of anything. Even rejection and abandonment from friends and partners are huge blows for us, because it’s not about “not getting what we want”, it’s proof that our parents were right, that we can never deserve to be loved. It makes life miserable and terrifying for us. Being singled out as one human who cannot be redeemed, who cannot deserve a place in someone’s heart, and being told over and over again there’s something deep inside of us that is wrong and selfish, and justifies all the abuse done to us, it’s torture. We’re set up as children, to keep going thru torture for rest of our lives, because our parents didn’t have the decency to sit down, and admit the problem was never in us. It’s them who didn’t have a capacitiy to give us a loving home. It’s them who took advantage of a child who had nowhere else to go, and force them into life of hatred and abuse. It’s them who watched a child struggle with unbearably painful concept of themselves being unlovable, when they did nothing wrong, nothing to deserve it, nothing that would justify them being denied of warmth, acceptance and love. It’s them who let that child suffer, and felt nothing. It’s them who caused the suffering, and could have stopped it, but they didn’t. They benefited of it. They made sure it continued. They made sure all of their faults were hidden, and instead had a child believe there was no place for them in the world.

You try to tell me they’re not monsters. You just try to tell me there’s a child in the world who deserved this.