so sick of this never ending fucking cycle of building my way up from rock bottom only to get immediately shoved back down when i feel things are actually going good

my focus so bad, can’t even sit through a single episode anymore

I’m not looking for “future” now, all I’m looking for is a way out of this house

i mean i can be a nurse at this point easily (i fit the eligibility criteria perfectly for nursing school) but i have always wanted to be a doc. If i go back to when i first decided this, the sole reason was my parents thought I can’t do “hard things” so I wanted to prove em wrong. later, biology and chemistry became the only things I understood and was somewhat good at.

after been through depressive episodes and becoming severely suicidal, i don’t think I am smart enough for that anymore, i can do it if gather my courage and work hard for 4-5 months but what’s the guarantee i won’t get another episode in between, what if all my progress end up going to waste like before? plus the entrance exam needs physics, in which I am so dumb at lmao.

Idk I’ll try for this one more time this year. we’ll see if any (decent) med school accepts me

i don’t want to get better anymore